Izzie, You are 1 Year Old and Merry Christmas!

From 12 MOnths

From 12 MOnths

From 12 MOnths

From 12 MOnths

Dearest Izzie,

Last Friday you turned 1 year old!This letter is coming to you slightly late because we have been traveling for the last few days (something you are a total pro at doing now).

We don't even know where to start. It really does seem like yesterday that we took you home from the hospital. You were this itty bitty thing. The first few weeks were rough on all of us. You see, you're our first kid, so we really had to learn everything about taking care of you. However, you're alive, happy and healthy now so I guess we didn't do too bad of a job, right?

Lets talk about some of the major milestones you've met in the last month. You're now officially a pro at pulling yourself up and cruising. We always say that you're always a bit hesitant to try new things, but once you start doing things you do it very very well. We feel like you'll be walking before we know it.

You've also finally started to self-feed. Until now, you were only interested in feeding the person feeding you (some good reciprocal action going on here), but one day you figured out that you could feed yourself your favorite cheerios and waffles. Since then, you refuse to give us any of your food. You've also become somewhat of a gourmand, so you won't eat any old pureed baby food. Mommy started cooking her famous chicken soup - and you've become quite a fan of it. You also started drinking whole cow milk - something that you liked right away.

You still only have 4 teeth, but we can tell that you have a LOT (at least 4) more that you're working on. We had to bust out your bibs once again, and you are always chewing on your fingers or anything that is within your reach. We hope that those pearly whites will be making an appearance really soon.

This past month, you've decided that your favorite people in the world are Mommy, Daddy and your nanny. Your development of stranger anxiety is very apparent and you get very shy around new people. Dropping you off at the church nursery has become a challenge, and you were somewhat traumatized by all of your birthday parties. We spent the last couple of days with your Fremont grandparents - at first you were a bit wary, but now you've warmed up to them, and you'll show them your signature Izzie smile.

This upcoming year will be very interesting. You'll be getting your first stamp on your passport as we are visiting Mommy's side of the family in Korea. Everyone is so excited to meet you. You'll also be staying with your grandparents for a few weeks without Mommy and Daddy. Don't forget about us!! (We don't think you will.) You'll have to don your big snowsuit, since Korea is even colder than New York. And after that, it'll start once more. We'll go through the winter and wait for the weather to warm up; except this year, we'll be able to take you out a lot more, and you'll really be able to actively enjoy the warm weather more. We are SO excited about seeing you grow next year. We want to talk with you, dance with you and take you to all of the cool places around the neighborhood.

So I guess this birthday is both happy and sad. We're going to miss our little Izzie; we're going to miss you poking our faces in the morning to wake us up; we're going to miss the fun you have from peekaboo; we're going to miss how you depended on us to do everything for you; we're going to miss trying to get you to sleep in the bathroom with the faucets all turned on. We're going to miss so many things - but we also look forward to all of the new things we'll experience together in the upcoming year.

We love you!

And Happy Birthday!

From 12 MOnths

Love,
M+D

As our nursing relationship comes to an end....

Where to start... where to start?

Back in college, I was on a bus in Berkeley. There was a mom on the bus and she was nursing her child - and I was horrified. It just made me cringe and I just recoiled thinking "Eeek! I just saw a boob!" I thought the concept of breastfeeding was so weird.

Fast forward a few years later, I am pregnant and I'm sitting in a newborn care class and the teacher (this being a Bradley class) goes on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding. She says that she breastfed for a year and I remember thinking, "Wow! One year is a long time!" I honestly don't think I had a strong opinion otherwise. I definitely wanted to do it, but I figured if it didn't' work out formula would always be a great backup.

I was not prepared for how determined and passionate about breastfeeding I would become once I started. Memories of when Izzie was born are dominated with the troubles we had feeding and the intense and immense worries I had about her not eating enough. Feeding was going fine in the hospital (a lactation consultant checked us out), but once we got home things started going downhill. My milk came in on day 4, and she had trouble latching on. Being the sleepy newborn she was, not eating enough just made her even more sleepy, and that made her eat even less - downward spiral if you will. I started pumping like a madwoman, barely getting 0.5 ounces after pumping for 20 - 30 minutes. We broke the cardinal rule of no bottles for the first month and started giving what little milk I had in a bottle. She had to eat, even if it was from a bottle. Our first days at home were filled with me pumping and willing my milk to come in while nervously asking Albert "Is she eating? Is she eating?" I have logs that tracks every ounce that she ate and all of her dirty diapers. Thankfully, all that pumping did increase my supply, but after getting used to the bottle, Izzie didn't want to nurse from me.

The lactation consultant put me on a strict schedule of attempting to nurse, then bottle-feeding Izzie (since she wasn't getting that much from me), then pumping. Every 2-3 hours. And when I say every 2-3 hours, I mean start to start. So I was getting almost no rest, and still emotionally distraught that she wasn't eating enough (also, I was really hormonal). I wanted to quit many, many times. But I was determined. After many attempts, Izzie finally "got" it, and she started nursing like a pro and things got a lot easier.

Not that it was complete smooth sailing since then. I suffered through many clogged ducts (ouch) and breastfeeding is just not easy when you have to wake up multiple times during the night and you're the only person that can feed and take care of your child. However, I think the initial tough weeks with nursing really made me appreciate the fact that I was able to nurse and I should cherish it. And then after the cancer diagnosis, it made me really realize how much I love it and emotionally attached to it I was. Initially, the doctors thought my cancer was a lot more serious and they said after surgery I had to wean immediately to get my post-op treatment. I was completely and utterly devastated. Seriously. Through all the cancer crap, the thing I was most upset about was the prospect of having to stop breastfeeding. It sounds crazy - but thats how I felt. Of course, the happy ending is that the path report was super good and the doctors let me postpone my post-op treatment until January.

Which is next month.... Over the past 2 months I have slowly been weaning and I am now down to one nursing session which I will drop very very soon (I can't bring myself to say when it is going to be specifically). I have a host of emotions going through me. I am proud and sad, happy and regretful.... I really really wish I could've gone longer. The past few days, Izzie has been sick with a cold and major teething, and the only thing that would comfort her was nursing. I'm sad that I wont' be able to provide that for her any longer. Nursing is also one of the major ways that I "mother"ed her - what am I going to do now that I don't? I know mothering is so much more - but I'm a little scared! I'm also proud that I made it this far. You might be weirded out by nursing, but isn't it amazing that for the majority of her life I was her source of nutrition - I made her grow! I think thats a miracle! I also feel extremely blessed - a lot of mothers don't have the opportunity to do what I did... so I'm extremely grateful.

So thats it.. I just wanted to record my thoughts so that one day I'll look back and think "Man, I'm proud of myself!"

Thanks:
to Albert and our wonderful Nanny
I would NOT have been able to make it
One Whole Year
without your help
with everything

More Pictures for Birthday Party

Thanks Heather for the pictures!

Poor stranger-anxiety ridden Izzie. Do you see the tear on her face?


Here is Izzie in her dress:


An attempt at a picture of the two babies. I don't think Albert took it too personally:


Izzie enjoying her presents:


After the crying and clinging, Izzie finally warmed up to the crowd:


Thank you, friends, for celebrating with us.

Birthday Party #1

This past weekend we held Izzie's first birthday party right here in New York. Here are some of the decorations and food:



Albert and I had a great time. We really realized what a great community of close-knit friends we found here in New York, and we felt so incredibly grateful that we were able to share Izzie's first birthday with them all.

Unfortunately, I did not get good pictures once the party started (although we got a lot of good video). Little Miss Izzie is hitting the peak of her stranger/separation anxiety these days, so she was a little bit overwhelmed with the festivities. I couldn't take any pictures because Izzie was clinging on to me the whole time! Here is one where you can see a teensy bit of her dress (so cute). You can't see it that well, but there is a huge giant tear on her face also:


Some of our guests:


Man, how do I feel now that Izzie is nearing her first birthday? I'll save the elaborate details until her 1 year post, but I can say that the feeling is bittersweet. I'm so happy that she is healthy (minus this nasty cold that is taking over her life right now), happy and such a great little girl and I can not wait to see what the future has in store for her. I'm looking forward to having conversations with her and witnessing what kind of a person she will grow into. However, she is no longer that little newborn that depended on me and Albert for everything. Day by day, she grows more and more independent and she needs us just a little bit less... and that makes me wistful and a teensy bit sad. So there you go - I'll save the total melancholy for later. =]

Izzie's First Chair

Today was birthday party #1 for Izzie (post with pictures to come later). In the morning, we surprised her with her very own chair that was gifted by Al's parents (thanks!). She loved her own little chair! You can't see it in the video, but it is personalized with her name and everything. Izzie is one lucky little girl!

Izzie is Raising Da Roof

Izzie must be a Rah - because she loves to dance! It started with this shaking move while she was sitting, and now that she is standing up she likes to boogie down in that position. What is amazing, is she will actually move to the beat of whatever song is playing.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

Eating Shenanigans

Our little Miss Boo Boo might not be one yet, but she sure is entering into toddlerhood. Gone are the days where she'll sit quietly in my lap. Now she can't sit still and just MUST explore her surroundings. Before, if she was playing with something that was no good (dangerous) and we redirected her - no problem. Now she will protest and protest till no end. A big challenge has been mealtimes - the girl will just not sit still and eat a meal. Mealtimes have officially been stretched to 1 hour, and it takes copious amounts of distraction, patience and love to get through them.

I finally got the idea to feed her in the kitchen. Everytime she got bored, I handed her a different utensil. Izzie turned out to really dig the tupperware lids. She had a lot of fun with that AND she finished her dinner that night.

Playing Drums - Part 2

It is becoming more and more difficult to entertain Izzie these days - we continualy have to find things to occupy her while we can get work done around the house. The other day, Soph was cooking dinner, and she gave Izzie her pots and a spatula.

Motherhood

Motherhood is tough! I've said it before and I'll say it again - its really tough.

This past week has been an interesting week for Izzie. I officially ran out of my freezer stash of breastmilk (yes, that entire chest is all gone), and she started drinking whole cow's milk. She is still nursing for one session in the morning. I'll talk in more detail how I feel about our ending nursing relationship in another post (the short story: bittersweet). I wish I could've nursed longer only to give her an easier transition. Anyway, her body did react to the cow's milk. The doctor is pretty convinced that she's not allergic or not even that sensitive, but her body is just adjusting to digesting something different. I was worried the first couple days, because she did have or 4 or 5 symptoms that did point to a milk allergy or sensitivity. Diarrhea, runny nose, diaper rash, poop color, etc. However, within a day all the other symptoms cleared up, except now she was super constipated (which is also a sign of an allergy/sensitivity).

Yesterday, she would be happy playing, and all of a sudden I would see her trying to push and then cry. Inconsolable crying. Usually, if Izzie is crying for whatever reason, she's stop once we hold her. But yesterday, she just curled up in my arms and started crying. As I watched my kid in pain - I couldn't help but feel guilty for not being able to nurse longer.

Totally irrational. I know. I had to end it to get my treatment that is coming up - but I felt guilty. And that is why motherhood is tough. We try so so hard to make sure our kid is well-fed, healthy, happy - perfect. But of course, we're not perfect, and our kids aren't perfect. So whenever our kids get sick, are unhappy or do something bad, we feel like such failures. We failed! Totally irrational - but very true for me. Whenever Izzie is sick, unhappy, doesn't eat well (whatever the problem is), I will sit there and go "I did everything right! Why is this happening?" to a quick "I must've done something wrong".

I've come to realize that this is not healthy and is something that I should be working on. I'm guessing that if I don't work on this now, it'll only get worse. As Izzie grows up and becomes more independent and my protective bubble becomes smaller, I really have to learn to just do my best and then really trust and believe that God will take care of everything else. It is difficult - this is my incredibly cute and brilliant baby girl you're talking about... It is difficult not to try to control every aspect of her life, and when one thing doesn't work, to not be devastated.

See? Motherhood is tough.

The Straw Drinker

We've had a rough few days in the Rah-Chang household - sick parents, sick baby. However, Izzie learned how to drink with a straw!

The Nutcracker

Al and I went to watch The Nutcracker over the weekend. It was actually the first time we ever saw a ballet. I really loved it - Al says he nodded off in the second half, but I'm sure he enjoyed it also. We actually asked the nanny if she could come over on Saturday so that Al and I could make a date out of it.

I was amazed at the theater - probably one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.




Obviously, for the past year, Al and I don't get a lot of one-on-one time that often - so we were grateful. It really made us realize how much we love the city.