Motherhood

Motherhood is tough! I've said it before and I'll say it again - its really tough.

This past week has been an interesting week for Izzie. I officially ran out of my freezer stash of breastmilk (yes, that entire chest is all gone), and she started drinking whole cow's milk. She is still nursing for one session in the morning. I'll talk in more detail how I feel about our ending nursing relationship in another post (the short story: bittersweet). I wish I could've nursed longer only to give her an easier transition. Anyway, her body did react to the cow's milk. The doctor is pretty convinced that she's not allergic or not even that sensitive, but her body is just adjusting to digesting something different. I was worried the first couple days, because she did have or 4 or 5 symptoms that did point to a milk allergy or sensitivity. Diarrhea, runny nose, diaper rash, poop color, etc. However, within a day all the other symptoms cleared up, except now she was super constipated (which is also a sign of an allergy/sensitivity).

Yesterday, she would be happy playing, and all of a sudden I would see her trying to push and then cry. Inconsolable crying. Usually, if Izzie is crying for whatever reason, she's stop once we hold her. But yesterday, she just curled up in my arms and started crying. As I watched my kid in pain - I couldn't help but feel guilty for not being able to nurse longer.

Totally irrational. I know. I had to end it to get my treatment that is coming up - but I felt guilty. And that is why motherhood is tough. We try so so hard to make sure our kid is well-fed, healthy, happy - perfect. But of course, we're not perfect, and our kids aren't perfect. So whenever our kids get sick, are unhappy or do something bad, we feel like such failures. We failed! Totally irrational - but very true for me. Whenever Izzie is sick, unhappy, doesn't eat well (whatever the problem is), I will sit there and go "I did everything right! Why is this happening?" to a quick "I must've done something wrong".

I've come to realize that this is not healthy and is something that I should be working on. I'm guessing that if I don't work on this now, it'll only get worse. As Izzie grows up and becomes more independent and my protective bubble becomes smaller, I really have to learn to just do my best and then really trust and believe that God will take care of everything else. It is difficult - this is my incredibly cute and brilliant baby girl you're talking about... It is difficult not to try to control every aspect of her life, and when one thing doesn't work, to not be devastated.

See? Motherhood is tough.