As our nursing relationship comes to an end....

Where to start... where to start?

Back in college, I was on a bus in Berkeley. There was a mom on the bus and she was nursing her child - and I was horrified. It just made me cringe and I just recoiled thinking "Eeek! I just saw a boob!" I thought the concept of breastfeeding was so weird.

Fast forward a few years later, I am pregnant and I'm sitting in a newborn care class and the teacher (this being a Bradley class) goes on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding. She says that she breastfed for a year and I remember thinking, "Wow! One year is a long time!" I honestly don't think I had a strong opinion otherwise. I definitely wanted to do it, but I figured if it didn't' work out formula would always be a great backup.

I was not prepared for how determined and passionate about breastfeeding I would become once I started. Memories of when Izzie was born are dominated with the troubles we had feeding and the intense and immense worries I had about her not eating enough. Feeding was going fine in the hospital (a lactation consultant checked us out), but once we got home things started going downhill. My milk came in on day 4, and she had trouble latching on. Being the sleepy newborn she was, not eating enough just made her even more sleepy, and that made her eat even less - downward spiral if you will. I started pumping like a madwoman, barely getting 0.5 ounces after pumping for 20 - 30 minutes. We broke the cardinal rule of no bottles for the first month and started giving what little milk I had in a bottle. She had to eat, even if it was from a bottle. Our first days at home were filled with me pumping and willing my milk to come in while nervously asking Albert "Is she eating? Is she eating?" I have logs that tracks every ounce that she ate and all of her dirty diapers. Thankfully, all that pumping did increase my supply, but after getting used to the bottle, Izzie didn't want to nurse from me.

The lactation consultant put me on a strict schedule of attempting to nurse, then bottle-feeding Izzie (since she wasn't getting that much from me), then pumping. Every 2-3 hours. And when I say every 2-3 hours, I mean start to start. So I was getting almost no rest, and still emotionally distraught that she wasn't eating enough (also, I was really hormonal). I wanted to quit many, many times. But I was determined. After many attempts, Izzie finally "got" it, and she started nursing like a pro and things got a lot easier.

Not that it was complete smooth sailing since then. I suffered through many clogged ducts (ouch) and breastfeeding is just not easy when you have to wake up multiple times during the night and you're the only person that can feed and take care of your child. However, I think the initial tough weeks with nursing really made me appreciate the fact that I was able to nurse and I should cherish it. And then after the cancer diagnosis, it made me really realize how much I love it and emotionally attached to it I was. Initially, the doctors thought my cancer was a lot more serious and they said after surgery I had to wean immediately to get my post-op treatment. I was completely and utterly devastated. Seriously. Through all the cancer crap, the thing I was most upset about was the prospect of having to stop breastfeeding. It sounds crazy - but thats how I felt. Of course, the happy ending is that the path report was super good and the doctors let me postpone my post-op treatment until January.

Which is next month.... Over the past 2 months I have slowly been weaning and I am now down to one nursing session which I will drop very very soon (I can't bring myself to say when it is going to be specifically). I have a host of emotions going through me. I am proud and sad, happy and regretful.... I really really wish I could've gone longer. The past few days, Izzie has been sick with a cold and major teething, and the only thing that would comfort her was nursing. I'm sad that I wont' be able to provide that for her any longer. Nursing is also one of the major ways that I "mother"ed her - what am I going to do now that I don't? I know mothering is so much more - but I'm a little scared! I'm also proud that I made it this far. You might be weirded out by nursing, but isn't it amazing that for the majority of her life I was her source of nutrition - I made her grow! I think thats a miracle! I also feel extremely blessed - a lot of mothers don't have the opportunity to do what I did... so I'm extremely grateful.

So thats it.. I just wanted to record my thoughts so that one day I'll look back and think "Man, I'm proud of myself!"

Thanks:
to Albert and our wonderful Nanny
I would NOT have been able to make it
One Whole Year
without your help
with everything