A Me Update

So here I am sitting here at 5:24 am. I've been up for 2.5 hours already. Izzie woke me up, but she fell right asleep again, and here I am, sitting like an idiot, not able to fall asleep again.

Cancer has been on my mind lately.

I hate my cancer, and I really miss my thyroid. My perfectly working thyroid that apparently did everything in my body - control metabolism, help me sleep, help with body temp control, help keep my hair - now gone because of that dang flippin' cancer. Did I mention that I hate cancer?

Anyway, lately, I've been feeling mighty sorry for myself. And one of the biggest reasons that I'm in this funk, I have to admit, is quite vain. I am dieting in a very good, nutritious and firm (no cheating) way, and I am not losing the weight. I was on a good roll before my surgery, but after my thyroid was taken out.... the scale has not been moving much. I really detest being this big, and having nothing in my closet fit me, and I feel I'm not in control because all the things I am trying...its just not working that well. I blame cancer.

Did I also mention that a whole host of other things that is plaguing me because of that dang flippin' cancer? Hair loss is one of them - not fun. I'm so tired all the time (not Izzie's fault, Cancer's fault). I get hot flashes and I'm only 24. I am freezing when other people are warm (WTF?). I never sleep...ever. Oh, and did I mention that I am still fat because of cancer?

You can tell, once the self-pity party gets going, it really gets going.

Le sigh.

So what do I do when I decide to throw myself a self-pity party? I take a deep breath and I go read this.

Wow.

And I start to list all the things that I am thankful for:

Izzie. Besides the fact that she's my daughter, and just the cutest baby in the world...if it wasn't for her, the cancer would probably still be growing happily inside of me. Her pediatrician noticed the swollen thyroid and told me to go check it out.

Albert. What an awesome husband and an awesome father. He has to deal, first-hand, with my self-pity parties, and always has wise words that help me get out of my funks.

Health insurance. If there is one thing I realized during my whole ordeal...it is an absolute privilege to have good health care in this country. I have access to the best doctors - and I can afford them. Sadly, too many people in this country cannot say the same.

Family. I have family that rallied around me and was ready to pitch in in any way that they can. They also kept my spirits up.

Friends. Once again... awesome. The generosity is mind-blowing.

My health. While I often wish (as you can see above) that I didn't have cancer, I'm so glad and grateful that the kind of cancer I have is non-threatening. I don't have to get chemo or really invasive treatment. My quality of life won't suffer because of this. Once I weather these post-op changes...I am sure I will be back to my normal self, and I am so thankful for that.

And there are many, many more. A lot.

So there you go. That's my update. I throw myself pity-parties, and then I remind myself that I have absolutely no right to think that I am better than anybody else or that I deserve to have perfect health with a perfect life. (Seriously, read the link that I provided.) It is a never ending cycle...but I hope that one day (soon), it'll stop and I'll truly be grateful and even delight in my situation (God has a plan, right?).

So next time, when you ask me, "How's it going?" and I answer "Good"...in reality, I am good, but this is the whole story.

And remember...when you see me...and you think "Dang, why is she still fat? Isn't her baby 6 months old now?" just remind yourself "Its the cancer." (You can see, that I probably need to go read the blog post again.)